If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Quadruple digit IQ
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.