If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what鈥檚 wrong with these clothes?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I鈥檇 forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I鈥檓 giving up for Lent.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 馃馃槀
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
lol
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.