I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
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“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
and now we wait
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.