If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
wtf management?!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]