If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I want what they have
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.