If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
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