If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.