Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?