Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.