If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Succinctly put.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁