If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
You Might Also Like
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword