If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
me when i see my girls butt
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.