If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Stop sending me this shit.
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If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Spider-cat: No One Home
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Confused owl: What?!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Beauty and the Beast
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.