If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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whatcha thinkin bout
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
making my dog give me my pills
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.