Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.