If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
ew if literal: let me be clear
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side