If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I feel seen
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Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
#growingpains
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”