Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

any last words?

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?