If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call