Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

The biggest mystery of our time

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left