Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
#Caturday
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Leaving the Barbers like
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.