If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
