If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
me after eating Cheetos
