If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
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You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off