Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

*Inspirational Tweets*

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent