if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
it must be school picture day
road rage
