if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
You Might Also Like
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Not😆🤣
*sewing*
A thread
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.