If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Meow
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.