If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
craving $300 all of a sudden
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.