Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Natural selection at its finest

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t