Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a