If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
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Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.