Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

tell em, edith-anne

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

starting a garage orchestra

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Still my favourite meme.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.