Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this