Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me: