If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Sticker placement is key.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.