Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

<—- homeless romantic

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?