If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Natty or not?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.