If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
That’s commitment
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*