If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”