*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Ancient Egyptian toilet paper
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.