If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”