@simoncholland

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

@SwiftOnSecurity

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

@10kbabyspiders

I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

@jngraphs

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

@ArfMeasures

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

@Reverend_Scott

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.