Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.