If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.