If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying