If you had more money you’d be happier.
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.