If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
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Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
This is enough internet for the day.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
That 👊
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse