If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.