If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
i meant to share this earlier
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Sell your car
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.