If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I falcon love using swear birds
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.