If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
All right then, keep your secrets
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.