If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong