If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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wtf is an acronym
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Basketball
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.