If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
opening twitter today
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet