If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”