If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
This hospital has everything
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….