Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*