If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Wait a second…
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
