If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If I ignore life will it go away?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.