If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
A bold strategy
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Never go to sleep after making me angry