If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.