If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I think the cat got the dog high.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
figuring out my emotional availability:
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.