If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.