Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

I’m confused about plants

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?