Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

me adding lol on a serious message

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target