If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
✌️
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.