If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste