@marcusparkersol

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

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@TheAlexNevil

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

@borderlinemom8

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

@tweetsbyrocket

me: im terrified of random letters

therapist: you are

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]

@ericbove

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

@LuvPug

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@rdm_guy

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

@iresurfaced

Dating a woman in 5 easy steps:

1. Be attentive
2. Don’t be too attentive
3. Show interest
4. Don’t show too much interest
5. Seek therapy