Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
me: im terrified of random letters
therapist: you are
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps:
1. Be attentive
2. Don’t be too attentive
3. Show interest
4. Don’t show too much interest
5. Seek therapy