Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.