If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
You Might Also Like
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
me when somebody idk start touching me
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS