If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.