Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat