Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

They’re called werewolves.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”