If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot