if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
cats when you pet them too long:
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?